3 Types of Friendships According to St. Aelred of Rievaulx

Written By St. Aelred of Rievaulx

Let us allow that, because of some similarity in feelings, those friendships which are not true, be, nevertheless, called friendships, provided, however, they are judiciously distinguished from that friendship which is spiritual and therefore true. Hence let one kind of friendship be called carnal, another worldly, and another spiritual. The carnal springs from mutual harmony in vice; the worldly is enkindled by the hope of gain; and the spiritual is cemented by similarity of life, morals, and pursuits among the just.

(1) CARNAL FRIENDSHIP

Real beginning proceeds from an affection which like a harlot directs its step after every passerby, following its own lustful ears and eyes in every direction. By means of the avenues of these senses it brings into the mind itself images of beautiful bodies or voluptuous objects. To enjoy these as he pleases the carnal man thinks is blessedness, but to enjoy them without an associate he considers less delightful.

Then by gesture, nod, words, compliance, spirit is captivated by spirit, and one is inflamed by the other, and they are kindled to form a sinful bond, so that, after they have entered upon such a deplorable pact, the one will do or suffer any crime or sacrilege whatsoever for the sake of the other. They consider nothing sweeter than this type of friendship, they judge nothing more equable, believing community of like and dislikes to be imposed upon them by the laws of friendship. And so, this sort of friendship is undertaken without deliberation, is tested by no act of judgment, is in no wise governed by reason; but through the violence of affection is carried away through diverse paths, observing no limit, caring naught for uprightness, foreseeing neither gains nor losses, but advancing toward everything heedlessly, indiscriminately, lightly and immoderately. For that reason, goaded on, as if by furies, it is consumed by its own self, or is dissolved with the same levity with which it was originally fashioned.

(2) WORLDLY FRIENDSHIP

Born of a desire for temporal advantage of possessions, is always full of deceit and intrigue; it contains noching certain, nothing constant, nothing secure; for, to be sure, it ever changes with fortune and follows the purse. Hence it is written: "He is a fair-weather friend, and he will not abide in the day of your trouble."? Take away his hope of profit, and immediately he will cease to be a friend. This type of friendship the following lines very aptly deride: A friend, not of the man, but of his purse is he. Held fast by fortune fair, by evil made to flee. And yet, the beginning of this vicious friendship leads many individuals to a certain degree of true friendship: those, namely, who at first enter into a compact of friendship in the hope of common profit while they cherish in themselves faith in baneful riches, and who, in so far as human affairs are concerned, reach an acme of pleasing mutual agreement. But a friendship ought in no wise be called true which is begun and preserved for the sake of some temporal advantage.

(3) SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP

Which we call true, should be desired, not for consideration of any worldly advantage or for any extrinsic cause, but from the dignity of its own nature and the feelings of the human heart, so that its fruition and reward is nothing other than itself. Whence the Lord in the Gospel says: "I have appointed you that you should go, and should bring forth fruit," that is, that you should love one another. For true friendship advances by perfecting itself, and the fruit is derived from feeling the sweetness of that perfection. And so spiritual friendship among the just is born of a similarity in life, morals, and pursuits, that is, it is a mutual conformity in matters human and divine united with benevolence and charity.

Taken from Spiritual Friendship, Book 1, Origin of Spiritual Friendships, 38-46

St. Aelred of Rievaulx

St Aelred of Rievaulx (1110-1167) Cistercian Monk, Abbot, Writer, Spiritual director, Poet, Preacher, Historian, Advisor and peacemaker. He is called “Saint Bernard of the North”. St Aelred was born in 1110 at Hexham, England and he died on 12 January 1167 at Rievaulx Abbey, Yorkshire, England of kidney disease. He was buried in the Rievaulx Chapter House. In 1191 his relics were translated to the abbey church and enshrined behind the high altar. Patronage – kidney stone sufferers. Attributes – monk holding a book or scroll.

Made Abbot in 1147, which made him the superior of all Cistercians in England and kept him much on the road, travelling from house to house, preaching throughout England and Scotland. He acted as peacemaker among the Picts in Galway, ending disputes and revitalising the faith in the area. He composed sermons and prayers, wrote works on the spiritual and aescetic life, wrote on the lives of King David of Scotland, Saint Ninian and Saint Edward the Confessor and was considered a living saint by those who knew him.

As the author of Spiritual Friendship, Saint Aelred’s Pastoral Prayer is a profound meditation on the Rule of Saint Benedict which shaped his thinking and led him (and his disciples) to prefer nothing to the love of Christ.